What Not to Say to those terminally ill
It can be saddening to see a loved one fighting a life-threatening illness. It is indeed a traumatic experience for those confronted with the idea of death. While all want to be there for them during their final days, it is important for us to be mindful of our words and reactions. Many of us are unsure of the right words to say. And no matter how well-intended, sometimes our wishes and consolations may end up backfiring. So, here are four things you should avoid saying to someone who is terminally ill.
“Everything happens for a reason”
There’s nothing worse than feeling like their illness is caused by their own karma. Especially if your loved one hasn’t reached acceptance with their diagnosis. This can make them feel like their illness is their fault. These statements may also trigger more shame about themselves, adding to the distress they might already be facing.
Instead, acknowledge the situation by saying something like, “I heard you’ve been diagnosed with ____”. This can be followed by a statement of empathy such as “I’m so sorry to learn this”.
“You’ll get through this”
While our intentions are to reassure our loved ones that everything will be okay, they are fully aware that their reality will be otherwise. The harsh truth is that they probably won't get through this due to the nature of their illness. These statements may come across as insensitive and will only dismiss their pain while generating a sense of false hope.
While your loved one is probably going through a painful experience, let them know that you’ll be there with them throughout the process. Words like “I’ll be here with you” can help both of you stay connected and help them feel supported.
“At least…”
Any phrase beginning with “at least…” only downplays the pain felt by a person with terminal illness. Saying things like “At least you still have some time” or “at least you’ve lived a good life” invalidates the grief they could be experiencing.
Rather than commenting on their situation, remind them of how they have brightened your life. You may also affirm them of their positive qualities.
“Are you feeling alright?”
While this is a normal conversation starter, asking someone who is most likely in pain about how they are feeling may lead to further discussions about their illness. While some people are open to sharing, not everybody feels comfortable talking about their disease.
Instead, you may begin the conversation with a positive greeting. A simple “I am so happy to see you” or "I heard a funny joke..." does wonders to lighten the mood. Then, allow them to lead the conversation while you lend a non-judgmental ear.
Summary
When thinking about what to say or how to react, respecting the dignity of someone with a terminal diagnosis should be the priority. Patients facing the end of their life can often feel like they are completely consumed by their illness. Hence, rather than trying to give them reassurance, pay attention to what they really need and be there for them. Ultimately, they will choose what is it they want to discuss, when is the right time to talk about it, and whom they are comfortable opening-up to.
